Without knowing it we live by these magical beliefs and constantly try to make our spells work, despite overwhelming evidence that nothing is happening and we’re just feeling more and more miserable. I thought I was immune from such thinking until I discovered a very powerful belief that went like this: ‘When I find something of value to offer in the world, people will approve of me and I will be happy’.

I was going along chanting the mantra, ‘I have something of value to offer’, little knowing that this so-called affirmation was digging me a nice little hole of distress.
I couldn’t even see how absurd it was – that I was making my value depend on a thing, and that it all depended on other people approving of this thing. Talk about a recipe for unhappiness.

I discovered another magical belief backing this one up, and it went like this: ‘When I have money, I will be OK.’ Here’s the logic of it: When I have money, it means people approve of me and value me, which means that I really am valuable, and therefore worthy of happiness.

Incredible!

Common magical beliefs

See if any of these resonate with you:

• When I have money I’ll be free
• When I am thin I’ll be happy/confident/lovable
• When I am married I will be acceptable
• When I have a relationship I will know I’m lovable
• I’m not successful as a woman unless I have a secure relationship with a man

The cure

What these spells are trying to do is change reality in order to create a feeling or state of being. In other words, the formula is, When I have something I will do something and will feel good, or Having – Doing – Being.

What we’ve got to do is reverse the order so it goes Being – Doing – Having. In other words, first be happy or free or confident, and then see what actions flow from that and what physical things end up in your life.

The Buddha said that the cause of suffering is attachment to an outcome. We demand that things happen in a certain way so that we can feel happy. But the truth of the matter is that we will never be happy while attaching to outcomes and trying to magically change reality.

Let’s see how some of those magical beliefs above can be turned around so they begin with Being:

• When I know I am free regardless of the circumstances of my life, money will be free to move where it is most needed
• When I know I am confident, happy, and worthy of love just as I am, I will no longer need to eat for emotional reasons and my body will be the weight that is just right for it
• When I know that I am acceptable to myself just as I am, I will be in the best possible position to make good marriage when the time is right
• I love myself and am happy just as I am, even as I open myself to the possibility of a wonderful relationship
• I am successful regardless of anything I do or say or have, and this success has nothing to do with my being in a relationship or not

One may feel some discomfort in trying to turn one’s magical beliefs around, but the secret is to stick with it and go deeper to locate your value in yourself, regardless of any outside evidence. To live from this state of Being is to live in the Now, unattached to outcome, truly free.

Resources

Need some help identifying and reversing magical beliefs? Let’s start the work – Life coaching in Cape Town.

It’s often said that to be in the Now you need to give up thinking. However, it is the nature of mind to generate thoughts, and even trying not to think is just one more thought. The real problem is not the thoughts themselves, but rather our interest in those thoughts.

Next time any stressful thinking occurs, don’t try to stop it. Just observe the thoughts. Become interested in observation, and remove interest and investment in what the thoughts are saying. You will find that thoughts happen and observing happens. When there is no investment in the thoughts and you don’t give them any belief and you don’t follow them, they are just thoughts arising, and they cause no harm.

Difficult emotions

The same goes for feelings. We always try to squash those unpleasant feelings and emotions. But in doing this we are unwittingly reinforcing them – by opposing them we are affirming their reality. Next time difficult feelings arise, just try observing them. Note that when you tune into those feelings of anger or fear or grief, and you simply don’t follow the thoughts that arise with the feelings, the feelings are simply sensations within the body. It’s like you turn down the volume on a television and just watch the images. Now the images have no meaning and they just resolve into a play of light. The same with feelings – when you tune out the noisy thoughts that surround them, all you have is sensation, and this sensation occurs within a space of silence.

For instance, fear might feel like a certain jumpiness and coldness in the solar plexus. There might be a tightness that rises into the chest. And what’s wrong with these sensations? Nothing. They might be uncomfortable, but they are no longer threatening. Fear is quite happy to be fear as long as you don’t interfere with it. It arises and then it moves and then it falls away, and perhaps it rises again. When you do not think about it, where is the problem?

Now in this space of observing you can also become aware of any action you can take to apparently change the situation. Perhaps you can do something about the situation that makes you angry, perhaps not. Either way, when the situation and the emotion arise they are manifestations within the Now and they cannot be changed. Desiring to change something is always after the fact – it is always trying to change something that is already in the past. What happens now cannot be any other way. Wishing it were different is suffering.

• racing heart
• cold sweat
• a feeling of dread
• a feeling of impending doom
• panic

When they try to figure out what’s behind their phobia, they just can’t get to it. In my experience, fear of driving is often related to a particular event in the  past that is causing the person more anxiety than they realise.

In a recent case, the client couldn’t think of any specific episode that might have caused her fear of driving. I then used a really effective hypnotherapy tool called The 7 Classic Causes of Symptoms to find out the cause of the phobia and also the age at which it began. When we discovered the age, the client was able to identify a scary incident that happened while she was preparing for her driver’s licence. She had repressed her feelings about the incident, but now the emotions could be acknowledged and released. By the end of the session she was smiling and ready to go for a drive!

If you or anyone you know is suffering from the fear of driving or a driving phobia, be assured that a competent hypnotherapist will be able to help you regain your freedom. If you are in the Cape Town area and you want to give hypnotherapy a try, be sure to contact me.

Resources

First prize in my opinion is always to see a therapist in person, but if you can’t you may want to try a self-hypnosis audio MP3. Remember to listen to it at least once a day for a few days. Here are two self-hypnosis MP3s that I recommend:

Overcome fear of driving

Hypnosis for driving test nerves

A pilgrim sets out for some destination – a shrine, a holy mountain – but that is just the excuse to be on the way. The pilgrim might reach his end goal, perhaps not, but the pilgrimage is fulfilled in each step. A seeker, on the other hand, stakes his life on achieving an outcome, whether it be a manifestation in the physical world or a state of spiritual accomplishment. A seeker will never be at rest, one thing will always lead to another, and nothing will ever be enough.

So if we are going to travel, let’s do so as pilgrims rather than as seekers, knowing this step now is all we have.

___

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Well how many of us have got it right to actually do this? What seems to happen is that we become focused in the moment, and then suddenly the phone rings and it’s someone with bad news. Then where does our precious “Now” go to? It vanishes, and suddenly we’re back in psychological time and we’re suffering – except that now instead of just the bad news to cope with, we’re also beating ourselves up for being so easily thrown out of “The Now”.

So the Now has become a trap. If you love Eckhart Tolle’s writings, as I do, you might fall head first into that trap, as I have done. We imagine that when we have finally attained the Now, we’ll be in love with everything, nothing will get us down, and we’ll float serenely through our days, just like Eckhart does. What a load of horse manure!

Nothing to attain

Let me share with you another perspective on the so-called Now. When we read Eckhart Tolle and Byron Katie we imagine that one day the clarity that they have will come to us, and then we start trying to be in the Now and trying to be present all the time. In short, we try to attain this Now. But to attain something puts it into time, which we don’t have. The Now is right now, this, reading this article, feeling it’s a great story or it’s a load of nonsense. It’s getting up to make tea, it’s feeling tired, it’s feeling angry at your neighbour. Whatever is arising right now, that’s the Now. It’s not one day being able to love everything and walking around in a perpetually blissful state. If you believe that you have fallen into the trap and you’ll feel like your hell just got a lot worse.

It’s always Now

So, to truly be in the Now, give yourself permission to experience the things that arise. Because here’s the thing – you’re always in the Now, whether you know it or not. The Now is now, things happening, feelings arising, “good” things happening, “bad” things happening – and you’re not in control of any of it. Control is a time-based fantasy of a separate ego called “I”.

If you really want to experience heaven, give up the fantasy of control and simply observe what arises. Love yourself even as you’re getting pissed at your colleague or your partner. When that anger or irritation arises – that’s the Now!

Can you love it?

Before you began reading this sentence, while you are reading the sentence, and after the sentence is finished being read, awareness is here. Can you see the futility of seeking present awareness? It is what is, what is awake, what is simply being right now.

If you’re looking for Enlightenment, this article on Awareness by Scott Kiloby will help put an end to the search. Read the complete article.

At a Passion Test workshop recently someone asked me that very question. Say, for example, you dream of becoming a renowned concert pianist. Is this a worthy goal or is it an ego-based delusion?

Well, here’s a test you can do to help you identify what’s behind your dreams and goals.

Step 1: Extracting the Value

Every goal you set for yourself will be inspired by a higher-level value or emotional state of being. We all do things because of how they make us feel, right? So this feeling is the true motivation of your actions – and it’s going to tell you a lot about whether your goals are worthy of pursuing. To access this value, you simply ask the following question repeatedly until the answers start repeating: ‘When you have what you’re looking for, what will that get you?’

You’ll end up with high-level Values like happiness, fulfillment, security, and inspiration.

Step 2: Testing the Value

Once you have the Value you’re trying to elicit, you need to test whether you can get the same Value without achieving success in your goal. In other words, are you dependent on a physical outcome in order to achieve the desired emotional state. Why do we need to do this? Because a dream is only worthy if it’s done for its own sake and is not an attempt to buy happiness or some other state of being (remember all that about staying in The Now).

The way to test this is simply to ask, ‘Suppose you never achieve goal, will you still be able to be Value?’ (Replace Value with the particular state of being that’s motivating your goal, for example ‘happy’).

Let’s look at some examples.

Example: “I want to write and publish successful novels”

Step 1: Extracting the Value

When you have written and published this novel, what will that get you?

‘An audience, fame.’

And when you have an audience and fame, what will that get you?

‘Money.’

And when you have money, what will that get you?

‘I’ll be able to do the things I love.’

And when you are doing the things you love, what will that get you?

‘I’ll be inspired, at ease.’

When you are inspired and at ease, what will that get you?

‘Happiness’

So the Value here is happiness, with the flavour of inspiration and ease.

Step 2: Testing the Value

Suppose you’re never able to write and publish those novels. Can you still be happy?

‘I don’t think so. It would be difficult.’

So this tells us that the person is wanting to buy happiness by writing novel. They are dependent on a physical outcome in order to achieve an emotional state. They don’t actually want to write novels because it’s their deep purpose and joy, so this goal is an ego fantasy.

Let’s try something else:

Example: “I want to be a renowned concert pianist”

Step 1: Extracting the Value

When you are a renowned concert pianist, what will that get you?

‘The joy of performing in front of large numbers of people, the excitement of performance, the knowledge that I’m creating a moving experience for people.’

When you are experiencing the excitement of performing in front of large numbers of people, and you’re creating a moving experience for them, what does this get you?

‘Joy and inspiration – I’ll be living my purpose.’

And when you’re joyful and inspired, living your purpose, what will that get you?

‘Pure joy and gratitude, pure inspiration. ‘

So the Values here are joy, gratitude and inspiration.

Step 2: Testing the Value

Just suppose you’re never, ever able to be a renowned concert pianist – will you still be able to feel joyful and inspired and grateful in your life?

‘Yes. I enjoy playing piano regardless of the size of the audience. I can still feel that joy and inspiration if I’m playing for one person or just for myself. It would be great, though, to play to thousands of people. That would really turn me on.’

In this example, the person is not dependent on a physical outcome to achieve their desired emotional state of feeling joyful, inspired, and grateful. They recognize that they have access to these feelings already, so their work as a musician is done for the joy of it. Of course, they will be paid for their work, but it’s not the primary motive, it’s simply the natural energy exchange for the work they love doing.

Conclusion

Many of us make the mistake of thinking that by having something or doing something we’ll achieve a lasting state of being. In fact, the creation process begins with being and flows to doing and having – when you are happy (a state of being), you will do things and have things that reflect this happiness.

So look carefully to see whether your desire is an attempt to reverse this order, in other words to try to achieve a state of being by having something or doing something. If you take away the having or the doing, can you still achieve that same state? If not, you need to check your motives.

Want to do The Passion Test and get clarity on your goals?

I present The Passion Test in workshops and individual sessions.  Let’s work together to find out what you really want and how to get it. It all begins with finding clarity on your true purpose.

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Inspired Coaching & Hypnosis – expert coaching and hypnotherapy in Cape Town.

If I had one piece of advice for anyone struggling with weight and food issues it’s this – stop with the $%## diets already! You know they don’t work. It breaks my heart to see good people going out there and spending small fortunes on herbal potions and weird slimming shakes and all they’re doing is just setting themselves up for more disappointment.

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but I feel quite strongly about this. I see quite a few clients with food issues and in 99.99% percent of the cases the only way to stop the inappropriate eating is to find out the emotional need that the food is trying to fill. Get this, guys – IT’S NOT ABOUT THE FOOD! You can write that in big letters and pin it to your computer so you can know to give yourself a break when another diet fails. It’s not about the food, and it’s not about your weak willpower. You have amazing willpower, after all these years of struggle you’ve built that willpower muscle until it has superhuman strength … but here’s the thing – it’s all for nothing, because emotions are much stronger than the conscious mind and its puny willpower.

So give yourself a break here as well. When you find that the magic herbal potion and weird slimming shake don’t work, don’t beat yourself up. It’s not about you, it’s about what’s deeper than you. Come and see me or another therapist and let’s do some real work on this. Or just save your money and dump the expensive diets and be happy the way you are . Ultimately that’s where we’re going anyway – to be happy with yourself. So just go there. If you need some help, get it from a trained therapist, not from some snake-oil salesman peddling disappointment. There, I’ve said it. Let those herbal potion people come sue me if they want to!

“It’s not about the food”
- Russel Brownlee

So my plan is to begin offering these as freebies to clients and website visitors. And the first one has just gone live on this site! Here’s the link – free 10-minute relaxation mp3.